Jehovah Jireh

-A local organization in town has posted billboards and signs throughout east Knoxville calling pastors and leaders in the community to do something about the 8,000 abortions that happen yearly in Knoxville.

-This last week, the local Christian radio station has repeatedly posed the question: "Have you done something of value today?"

-A wife thanked me for taking care of her husband in the trauma unit the last few days and with tears down her cheeks she clung to me and asked me to say a prayer for him.

-The 6th chapter of Hemphill's "The Names of God" talked about God as provider, Jehovah Jireh. Through the story of Abraham faithfully following God's request to sacrifice Isaac, the chapter makes me question what am I holding onto that is keeping me from Him and His blessings?
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Many things lately have begun to paint a picture for me. A picture of my heart that I am not too fond of. A picture of my selfishness. A picture of my laziness. Being a nurse, its easy for me to help people and do things for them during my 12 hour shifts, but I have gotten into the false mindset that when I am outside the hospital doors, that is when the "me" time begins.

I have failed as my brother's keeper.

As I was reading "The Names of God" tonight, I realized that the thing I am not faithfully sacrificing to God is my Happiness and my Time. I don't trust God to fill my day and time with relaxation, fullfillment, memories, and beauty, so I keep it to myself ensuring I receive my allotted outside time, reading time, resting time, SLEEP time, time with friends, etc. But at the end of it, regardless of the 'sanctifying' actions envolved, I am still left empty because I kept it as my time.

A new friend from church invited me to do a service project today, but I told her no basically because I wanted to be lazy and selfish and keep my Saturday for myself.
I don't look at the homeless man on the exit ramp anymore.
I rarely ask my mom or sister what's wrong when I can tell they are upset.
I don't smile and actually see the person I pass as I am walking by.
I do what I need to do for my task or my job but don't really see the hurt or world around me. Even at work although I am physically taking care of people, sometimes I get so caught up in the job at hand or the checklist of things JACHO makes us complete that I am not fully present with my patient or his family.
I have failed as my brother's keeper.

Where do I begin again? How do I reach those 8,000 scared and lonely young women who are questioning abortion? How do I balance respecting my earthly governing bodies (i.e. the hospital requirements, government, bills to pay, etc) but actually be present and care for people the way Jesus did? Maybe I can start making giveaway bags for homeless people I pass like I used to? Maybe I can start intentionally saying a prayer over my patients as I do their head to toe assessment every morning? Maybe as I walk, I can look people in the eye and smile, trying to see them the way Jesus does?

Over the last few years, I have gotten so self-indulgent and caught up in finding my own happiness that I forgot the people around me. Funny thing is that looking back, those snap shots of when I gave up my time and energy to God in service to others were the times that the Lord most blessed me and I most felt Him.

Please Lord lead me in the ways you would have me serve. Please make me open to your leading. Increase my faith. Be my Jehovah Jireh. Open doors, open my heart, open the hearts of those you want me to serve. Help me to see others the way you do. In Jesus name, Amen.

Sanctus Real "Lead Me"

A few weeks ago, I found a Christian radio station based out of Tampa, FL that streams live on Yahoo Web Radio. I have heard most of the songs on there, but one came up today that I have never heard before. As I was doing my online class at work, this song really captivated me. I won't go into analysis of it, but here are the words for you to read yourself.....

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.

Places frequented

Sometimes I feel like a total nut case when I read back over past writings or things I have thought. It seems like I am so up and down sometimes.....not in a bipolar sort of way.....just one minute I will feel so secure and firmly rooted in Christ that the day to day troubles are only a pebble, but the next minute, I feel so secluded, so far from Peace that the day to day happenings are a huge mountain in front of me.

I became a "Christian" in the baptismal, ask Jesus into my heart sort of way back when I was in 8th grade in March of 1999. Since then, I have displayed varying shades of dedication to following, and looking back, I think that a lot of those times of less lukewarm devotion were due in part to frequenting places He is. Now, I know that He is all around, in everything, everywhere, there is no where that He can be kept out of. However, by intentionally frequenting places and things that He is and moves, I know that I will feel Him more. In younger days, it was my youth group where I was surrounded by teenagers looking for identity, searching for community, and we found that in each other and Christ. Since then, I have had glimpses of that closeness, whether it be in a loving roommate, my time in Guatemala, my mom, even in my own bedroom when everything else is spinning out of control and He comes in. However, there are many things that have blocked me from fully being engulfed in His presence (Satan is the mastermind of this all). I want to be engulfed in knowing that my life is new and changed and forever claimed.
I want to start new. I want to be where He is. I want to go into work at the hospital and know that as my hands touch my patient, I am the hands of the Great Physician. I want to constantly be thinking of Jesus Christ. I want to know and love Him. I want to cry out to Him not just when I feel a need but with every breath, every thought. I want to radiate His love and grace because it is so much known in my soul that it beams out.
I claim that I am forgiven; grace has been poured out on me and I am that old person no longer.
I claim that He makes all things new and works in all my life's situations.
I claim that He has a plan and takes all my garbage and makes it to His glory.
I claim that He overcomes my anger and fear and frustration.
I claim that He is bigger than everything.
I claim that He dries my tears, holds my hand, and leads me beside still waters.
I claim that He loves me inspite and because of myself.
I claim that Satan has no place here.
I claim that He has and will overcome.

Time goes on but I feel like I'm standing still

I got asked by a former nursing instructor and friend of mine to send out a facebook message to the 2007 class of Lipscomb University Nursing Alumni for a reunion coming up. I didn't really think anything of it....I thought it would fun to hear from everybody. So, I sent out my message today, and as I was adding different names to the list, I realized how much some of their lives have changed. Many have gotten married, moved to different cities, had babies, finished grad school already, some have had illness, some have gotten better, some have traveled the world. It seems like so many of them are moving forward in the typical progression of life and doing it happily without any self-imposed opposition. Some have said that things fall apart so better things can fall together. So, why do I feel like I haven't moved at all- that my feet are stuck in the quick sand of the same struggles, worries, heartaches, and shortcomings without a whole lot falling into place? I keep waiting for that stepping stone to rise out of the sand and illuminate the beginning of a path to follow. But its not happening. So many people tell me to just enjoy being single, and the fact of the matter is that committing to a relationship scares the hell out of me. Why is that? What is it about me that God hasn't torn down my walls of opposition and blessed me with a relationship? Why is it that so many people can be open to life and love and its changes but I am not? Why do I let myself get close enough to the fire to feel the heat but can't let myself be engulfed? Looking at all my friends' lives from nursing school, I see how their lives have moved forward, continue on, but I'm in some kind of time warp where I haven't let myself grow away from the same person I was 3 or more years ago.

Valley

Please Lord hear my cry.
See me down here in this valley.
I am trying to crawl out.
Digging my nails deep in the rock.
I am bruised and bleeding.
I am exhausted Lord.
This valley has run so deep.
This valley has run so long.
I can't see a way out.
Please Lord hear my cry.
Cover me with the shadow of your wing.
Hide me in your cleft.
Please Lord hear my cry.
Please come into this valley with me.
Please save me.
I am exhausted Lord.
I have stumbled and fallen so many times.
Please see me here.
Please carry me out.

End of 2009

Since it's the last day of 2009, I guess I should reminisce about the year to past. What a change from this time last year. For many reasons I am very sad that so much has changed since a year ago, but in the end, everything happens for a reason. Every change, transition, march forward, u-turn, every end, every new beginning happens for a reason. We can't expect that reason to be explained or contained within the confines of a calendar year. All we can do is fill our hearts with His joy and seek to love Him more everyday. Time keeps on turning, life keeps on moving, and in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.

Repeat.

I'm having a great time here in Florida with my family. The drive down was really long.....usually I come with my sisters and mom, so not being able to sleep for a portion of it really showed me how long 9 hours in the car is! But, it was a really good time to sit and think. I even got to talk to an old friend, Haley, which was great.
It is wonderful to be here with my Aunt Mary, Uncle Ken, and cousins Joey, Chrissy, and Amy. It's hard not having a job right now, but I'm trying to just savor this time of a little more freedom to travel and see loved ones.
I'm just trying to get my head on straight. Pray, have faith, pray, have faith. repeat.