Please Lord hear my cry.
See me down here in this valley.
I am trying to crawl out.
Digging my nails deep in the rock.
I am bruised and bleeding.
I am exhausted Lord.
This valley has run so deep.
This valley has run so long.
I can't see a way out.
Please Lord hear my cry.
Cover me with the shadow of your wing.
Hide me in your cleft.
Please Lord hear my cry.
Please come into this valley with me.
Please save me.
I am exhausted Lord.
I have stumbled and fallen so many times.
Please see me here.
Please carry me out.
Friday, January 15, 2010
Thursday, December 31, 2009
End of 2009
Since it's the last day of 2009, I guess I should reminisce about the year to past. What a change from this time last year. For many reasons I am very sad that so much has changed since a year ago, but in the end, everything happens for a reason. Every change, transition, march forward, u-turn, every end, every new beginning happens for a reason. We can't expect that reason to be explained or contained within the confines of a calendar year. All we can do is fill our hearts with His joy and seek to love Him more everyday. Time keeps on turning, life keeps on moving, and in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Repeat.
I'm having a great time here in Florida with my family. The drive down was really long.....usually I come with my sisters and mom, so not being able to sleep for a portion of it really showed me how long 9 hours in the car is! But, it was a really good time to sit and think. I even got to talk to an old friend, Haley, which was great.
It is wonderful to be here with my Aunt Mary, Uncle Ken, and cousins Joey, Chrissy, and Amy. It's hard not having a job right now, but I'm trying to just savor this time of a little more freedom to travel and see loved ones.
I'm just trying to get my head on straight. Pray, have faith, pray, have faith. repeat.
It is wonderful to be here with my Aunt Mary, Uncle Ken, and cousins Joey, Chrissy, and Amy. It's hard not having a job right now, but I'm trying to just savor this time of a little more freedom to travel and see loved ones.
I'm just trying to get my head on straight. Pray, have faith, pray, have faith. repeat.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
l.i.f.e.
Day 7 Devotional Card: Quotes on Life
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it. -unknown author
Life is simple, it's just not easy. -unknown author
Life is what we make of it, always has been, always will be. -Grandma Moses
Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food, and my blood remains in me, and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. -John 6 :53-57
Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it. -unknown author
Life is simple, it's just not easy. -unknown author
Life is what we make of it, always has been, always will be. -Grandma Moses
Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food, and my blood remains in me, and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. -John 6 :53-57
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Rambling
I'm pretty sure by this point, no one reads this. I'm kind of glad about it because I've come to find that I am the type of person who processes and expresses herself in written word better than anything else. And I have so much going through my head right now that I just have to write. I can write letter after letter on my desktop, but sometimes you just need the release of actually putting something outside of yourself for someone else to read.
My Aunt Susie calls this time an era of "repositioning" for me. She says that God is repositioning me right now so that years down the road I am not way off course. She described it as an airplane. Pilots plot and calculate their courses in degrees. When you start on your journey, being off by a few degrees doesn't seem like such a big deal, but hundreds of miles through the air, those 2 or 3 degrees can make a continent of difference. But when did I get so off course?
Looking back and through talking to a wise friend, I realize that I have gotten by listening to my 12 year old self for this long, but that self doesn't apply anymore. Due to family issues and self esteem issues, I taught myself to be the best because then things would work out. If I perfected my little world, I wouldn't be affected by my parents fighting or the loneliness from being so shy. I could fill my life with things I was good at and make people around me proud, and then I would be important to myself. I could please people and make people think I was perfect and had everything together, and then I would be good enough myself. But that doesn't work anymore for me. I worked and worked through nursing school to reach this pinnacle of a college degree because then "I could do what I wanted." I got done with college and it made others proud that I had an RN degree. Then I did my contract at Vanderbilt, and I finished it because I have pride and wanted to finish what I started. Then I moved back to Knoxville and realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted to do. I poked and prodded at everything around me, searching for the meaning to my unhappiness. I blamed everything but myself. And the crazy thing was that all the while through all of this, I thought that since I always tried to do the "right" thing, that God was just holding onto some reward for me this whole time. Some great gift waiting for me for being a "martyr" doing all this nursing that I did not enjoy, keeping myself from certain acts, and wanting to be a medical missionary. But that's not how it works. Life is not glamorous or extraordinary everyday. Heck, half the time I don't even feel like getting out of bed because my life, my day feels so empty. But these feelings can only be blamed on myself. I built up life to be this great thing that happens when.....(fill in the blank). When really, life is what's right now. Its not driving through some remote village in Central America everyday. Its not looking over the great abyss of the Grand Cannon everyday. Its getting up and being present with the people around you and loving them and doing things that make you, you. But I nit picked at the person around me. I pushed and built up walls. And now I feel like I'm in a walled up room very alone most of the time. The problem is though, that I will not be satisfied with anyone until I am satisfied with myself. Until I can learn just to be happy and present in this day, with the work the Lord has put in front of me, I cannot be happy with anyone. How did I get this far off course? This desert time feels so dry. Every few days, I get a little more water, I get a little green pasture, and those days are getting closer together, but continuing to walk this road is a constant struggle. I constantly have to push Satan out of my mind- he is so good at whispering lies about self doubt, insufficency, self loathing. I constantly have to strong guard my heart and mind, fill it with the things of Him. Slowly things will get better. But in the meantime, I try to fill my days with things. With work when I can get it, with church, with friends, with hobbies and aspirations. But the worst part is at the end of the day when I lay my head down and then in the morning when I have to will myself to get up and keep trying. But I guess that's all I can do, keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep praying.
My Aunt Susie calls this time an era of "repositioning" for me. She says that God is repositioning me right now so that years down the road I am not way off course. She described it as an airplane. Pilots plot and calculate their courses in degrees. When you start on your journey, being off by a few degrees doesn't seem like such a big deal, but hundreds of miles through the air, those 2 or 3 degrees can make a continent of difference. But when did I get so off course?
Looking back and through talking to a wise friend, I realize that I have gotten by listening to my 12 year old self for this long, but that self doesn't apply anymore. Due to family issues and self esteem issues, I taught myself to be the best because then things would work out. If I perfected my little world, I wouldn't be affected by my parents fighting or the loneliness from being so shy. I could fill my life with things I was good at and make people around me proud, and then I would be important to myself. I could please people and make people think I was perfect and had everything together, and then I would be good enough myself. But that doesn't work anymore for me. I worked and worked through nursing school to reach this pinnacle of a college degree because then "I could do what I wanted." I got done with college and it made others proud that I had an RN degree. Then I did my contract at Vanderbilt, and I finished it because I have pride and wanted to finish what I started. Then I moved back to Knoxville and realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted to do. I poked and prodded at everything around me, searching for the meaning to my unhappiness. I blamed everything but myself. And the crazy thing was that all the while through all of this, I thought that since I always tried to do the "right" thing, that God was just holding onto some reward for me this whole time. Some great gift waiting for me for being a "martyr" doing all this nursing that I did not enjoy, keeping myself from certain acts, and wanting to be a medical missionary. But that's not how it works. Life is not glamorous or extraordinary everyday. Heck, half the time I don't even feel like getting out of bed because my life, my day feels so empty. But these feelings can only be blamed on myself. I built up life to be this great thing that happens when.....(fill in the blank). When really, life is what's right now. Its not driving through some remote village in Central America everyday. Its not looking over the great abyss of the Grand Cannon everyday. Its getting up and being present with the people around you and loving them and doing things that make you, you. But I nit picked at the person around me. I pushed and built up walls. And now I feel like I'm in a walled up room very alone most of the time. The problem is though, that I will not be satisfied with anyone until I am satisfied with myself. Until I can learn just to be happy and present in this day, with the work the Lord has put in front of me, I cannot be happy with anyone. How did I get this far off course? This desert time feels so dry. Every few days, I get a little more water, I get a little green pasture, and those days are getting closer together, but continuing to walk this road is a constant struggle. I constantly have to push Satan out of my mind- he is so good at whispering lies about self doubt, insufficency, self loathing. I constantly have to strong guard my heart and mind, fill it with the things of Him. Slowly things will get better. But in the meantime, I try to fill my days with things. With work when I can get it, with church, with friends, with hobbies and aspirations. But the worst part is at the end of the day when I lay my head down and then in the morning when I have to will myself to get up and keep trying. But I guess that's all I can do, keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep praying.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Growing up
Since being back from Guatemala, I have had a lot of time to think and wonder and examine. I've been examining my life, the lives of others, decisions I have made, decisions others have made. I've looked at ways my heart has been broken, ways I have broken other peoples' hearts. Although the fog is starting to clear, I don't think I will ever fully understand what and why things have happened because that is not mine to know. I can learn from experiences and grow, but fully understanding why everything happens is not conceivable to my brain. The "what ifs" are too convaluted and the "how comes" are too numerous.
Despite the time I spend looking back and wondering, I keep getting pushed forward, time keeps moving on. Life happens, people get hurt, but joy also happens and people find happiness. And happiness cannot be found in the extraordinary, in the unusual, in that one momentous occassion. Happiness is found in rising out of bed to meet a new day.... In a conversation with an old friend, waving to your neighbor, feeling the breeze and seeing the leaves blow, walking your dog, playing cards with your family, putting a bandaid on a wound, drying someone else's tears.
Happiness is loving the life that the Good Lord places before you but knowing you can be more because of Him. Happiness is living in this moment, being present right here right now, and having faith that everything will turn out okay.
Here are some quotes from people that can say it better than I can:
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
Despite the time I spend looking back and wondering, I keep getting pushed forward, time keeps moving on. Life happens, people get hurt, but joy also happens and people find happiness. And happiness cannot be found in the extraordinary, in the unusual, in that one momentous occassion. Happiness is found in rising out of bed to meet a new day.... In a conversation with an old friend, waving to your neighbor, feeling the breeze and seeing the leaves blow, walking your dog, playing cards with your family, putting a bandaid on a wound, drying someone else's tears.
Happiness is loving the life that the Good Lord places before you but knowing you can be more because of Him. Happiness is living in this moment, being present right here right now, and having faith that everything will turn out okay.
Here are some quotes from people that can say it better than I can:
"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine
“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” -Winston Churchill
Monday, October 12, 2009
Down to the last week
Well I can't believe it. I only have 4 more days here in Chicacao (the village where I have been living). I am going to Guatemala City on Friday night to catch my flight out on Saturday morning. What a bitter sweet thing. I am excited to see my family and friends at home (and get a warm shower and be in air conditioning), but I am also sad to leave my family and friends here. Clinica Ezell is the best work environment I have ever had, and I am sad to leave the other nurses, staff, and doctors. I feel like I really fit in with this crew and played a crucial role (especially when the Surgical teams came through). I think it helped the Guatemalan staff to have me here as a kind of liason between them and the new North American nurses because I could communicate to both and understood how things should flow. I was blessed by the honor of turning into the charge nurse on multiple shifts as many of the North Americans came to me with questions....and they weren't new nurses either, but ones with many more years in nursing than me. It was quite an honor.
We ended up doing 63 surgeries, and I think so far all the patients left with good outcomes. One little boy, Douglas, was in for a circumcision....bad thing to happen to a 9 year old. He was beside himself at first, but we got him calmed down, and I even had time to play some Uno with him and give him some lovely stick on tattoos. The other patient who stood out to me was a sweet grandma who had a hernia fixed. She started crying and blessing me as I helped her sit up and take a tylenol. She was just tearing up saying how caring the nurses and doctors are at the clinic. It was one of those moments where you know that your life and the life of a stranger are intertwined so closely for a brief moment in time that it feels like all other time stands still.
The other Americans all left last Saturday to go home after a fun 24hr in Antigua. (I got a pedicure, went swimming, and picked up a few more souvenirs.) Once I got back to Chicacao, I was so exhausted I took 2 naps on Saturday and Sunday! The family was so sweet when I got back. The dad, Jose, wasn't home when I got in, but he woke me up from my nap just to give me a hug, kiss, and a chocolate cupcake. I got up with the family on Sunday morning at 5:00am to sell bread and ended up making the chocolate cupcakes that the dad always gives me. Then, I carried a big basket of bread on my head with one of the sisters to the tienda to sell. After, I went with them to the market to buy our food for a few days. I really cherish that time with them.
So, today I went on a mobile clinic with Doctor Walter and helped in the lab/pharmacy area. I'm not sure what I will be doing the rest of the week, but I think the families have some little parties planned for me that I'm not supposed to know about. :)
Other crazy stories from Guatemala:
-So a mouse lives in the bookshelf right next to the head of my bed. Just to recap, I have few little geckos who live in my room, the occassional roach who I usually kick out, and a mouse. I kept hearing something when I was sleeping the other night so I turned on my flashlight to find myself nose to nose with a little blonde mouse. She scurried away, and I went back to sleep.....I've learned just to let things go!
-The other happening was that last night, the power went out in all of the village. And when the power goes out in the only little village in the area, it gets dark, really dark. But it was a fun bonding experience as me and all the other squealing sisters tried to find our way home from church over the cobble stone road with the just the light from our cell phones!
A 4yr old boy successfully french kissed me on Sunday too. Now, just to make it clear, this was unwanted on my part! Some random family member was at the house with her son, and he was like a magnet to my face. I kept pushing him away and the kid was like a spider monkey to my face everytime I sat down or layed down. So, I ended up standing up, dodging a 4yr old all day Sunday.
We ended up doing 63 surgeries, and I think so far all the patients left with good outcomes. One little boy, Douglas, was in for a circumcision....bad thing to happen to a 9 year old. He was beside himself at first, but we got him calmed down, and I even had time to play some Uno with him and give him some lovely stick on tattoos. The other patient who stood out to me was a sweet grandma who had a hernia fixed. She started crying and blessing me as I helped her sit up and take a tylenol. She was just tearing up saying how caring the nurses and doctors are at the clinic. It was one of those moments where you know that your life and the life of a stranger are intertwined so closely for a brief moment in time that it feels like all other time stands still.
The other Americans all left last Saturday to go home after a fun 24hr in Antigua. (I got a pedicure, went swimming, and picked up a few more souvenirs.) Once I got back to Chicacao, I was so exhausted I took 2 naps on Saturday and Sunday! The family was so sweet when I got back. The dad, Jose, wasn't home when I got in, but he woke me up from my nap just to give me a hug, kiss, and a chocolate cupcake. I got up with the family on Sunday morning at 5:00am to sell bread and ended up making the chocolate cupcakes that the dad always gives me. Then, I carried a big basket of bread on my head with one of the sisters to the tienda to sell. After, I went with them to the market to buy our food for a few days. I really cherish that time with them.
So, today I went on a mobile clinic with Doctor Walter and helped in the lab/pharmacy area. I'm not sure what I will be doing the rest of the week, but I think the families have some little parties planned for me that I'm not supposed to know about. :)
Other crazy stories from Guatemala:
-So a mouse lives in the bookshelf right next to the head of my bed. Just to recap, I have few little geckos who live in my room, the occassional roach who I usually kick out, and a mouse. I kept hearing something when I was sleeping the other night so I turned on my flashlight to find myself nose to nose with a little blonde mouse. She scurried away, and I went back to sleep.....I've learned just to let things go!
-The other happening was that last night, the power went out in all of the village. And when the power goes out in the only little village in the area, it gets dark, really dark. But it was a fun bonding experience as me and all the other squealing sisters tried to find our way home from church over the cobble stone road with the just the light from our cell phones!
A 4yr old boy successfully french kissed me on Sunday too. Now, just to make it clear, this was unwanted on my part! Some random family member was at the house with her son, and he was like a magnet to my face. I kept pushing him away and the kid was like a spider monkey to my face everytime I sat down or layed down. So, I ended up standing up, dodging a 4yr old all day Sunday.
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