Rambling

I'm pretty sure by this point, no one reads this. I'm kind of glad about it because I've come to find that I am the type of person who processes and expresses herself in written word better than anything else. And I have so much going through my head right now that I just have to write. I can write letter after letter on my desktop, but sometimes you just need the release of actually putting something outside of yourself for someone else to read.
My Aunt Susie calls this time an era of "repositioning" for me. She says that God is repositioning me right now so that years down the road I am not way off course. She described it as an airplane. Pilots plot and calculate their courses in degrees. When you start on your journey, being off by a few degrees doesn't seem like such a big deal, but hundreds of miles through the air, those 2 or 3 degrees can make a continent of difference. But when did I get so off course?
Looking back and through talking to a wise friend, I realize that I have gotten by listening to my 12 year old self for this long, but that self doesn't apply anymore. Due to family issues and self esteem issues, I taught myself to be the best because then things would work out. If I perfected my little world, I wouldn't be affected by my parents fighting or the loneliness from being so shy. I could fill my life with things I was good at and make people around me proud, and then I would be important to myself. I could please people and make people think I was perfect and had everything together, and then I would be good enough myself. But that doesn't work anymore for me. I worked and worked through nursing school to reach this pinnacle of a college degree because then "I could do what I wanted." I got done with college and it made others proud that I had an RN degree. Then I did my contract at Vanderbilt, and I finished it because I have pride and wanted to finish what I started. Then I moved back to Knoxville and realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted to do. I poked and prodded at everything around me, searching for the meaning to my unhappiness. I blamed everything but myself. And the crazy thing was that all the while through all of this, I thought that since I always tried to do the "right" thing, that God was just holding onto some reward for me this whole time. Some great gift waiting for me for being a "martyr" doing all this nursing that I did not enjoy, keeping myself from certain acts, and wanting to be a medical missionary. But that's not how it works. Life is not glamorous or extraordinary everyday. Heck, half the time I don't even feel like getting out of bed because my life, my day feels so empty. But these feelings can only be blamed on myself. I built up life to be this great thing that happens when.....(fill in the blank). When really, life is what's right now. Its not driving through some remote village in Central America everyday. Its not looking over the great abyss of the Grand Cannon everyday. Its getting up and being present with the people around you and loving them and doing things that make you, you. But I nit picked at the person around me. I pushed and built up walls. And now I feel like I'm in a walled up room very alone most of the time. The problem is though, that I will not be satisfied with anyone until I am satisfied with myself. Until I can learn just to be happy and present in this day, with the work the Lord has put in front of me, I cannot be happy with anyone. How did I get this far off course? This desert time feels so dry. Every few days, I get a little more water, I get a little green pasture, and those days are getting closer together, but continuing to walk this road is a constant struggle. I constantly have to push Satan out of my mind- he is so good at whispering lies about self doubt, insufficency, self loathing. I constantly have to strong guard my heart and mind, fill it with the things of Him. Slowly things will get better. But in the meantime, I try to fill my days with things. With work when I can get it, with church, with friends, with hobbies and aspirations. But the worst part is at the end of the day when I lay my head down and then in the morning when I have to will myself to get up and keep trying. But I guess that's all I can do, keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep praying.