Jehovah Jireh

-A local organization in town has posted billboards and signs throughout east Knoxville calling pastors and leaders in the community to do something about the 8,000 abortions that happen yearly in Knoxville.

-This last week, the local Christian radio station has repeatedly posed the question: "Have you done something of value today?"

-A wife thanked me for taking care of her husband in the trauma unit the last few days and with tears down her cheeks she clung to me and asked me to say a prayer for him.

-The 6th chapter of Hemphill's "The Names of God" talked about God as provider, Jehovah Jireh. Through the story of Abraham faithfully following God's request to sacrifice Isaac, the chapter makes me question what am I holding onto that is keeping me from Him and His blessings?
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Many things lately have begun to paint a picture for me. A picture of my heart that I am not too fond of. A picture of my selfishness. A picture of my laziness. Being a nurse, its easy for me to help people and do things for them during my 12 hour shifts, but I have gotten into the false mindset that when I am outside the hospital doors, that is when the "me" time begins.

I have failed as my brother's keeper.

As I was reading "The Names of God" tonight, I realized that the thing I am not faithfully sacrificing to God is my Happiness and my Time. I don't trust God to fill my day and time with relaxation, fullfillment, memories, and beauty, so I keep it to myself ensuring I receive my allotted outside time, reading time, resting time, SLEEP time, time with friends, etc. But at the end of it, regardless of the 'sanctifying' actions envolved, I am still left empty because I kept it as my time.

A new friend from church invited me to do a service project today, but I told her no basically because I wanted to be lazy and selfish and keep my Saturday for myself.
I don't look at the homeless man on the exit ramp anymore.
I rarely ask my mom or sister what's wrong when I can tell they are upset.
I don't smile and actually see the person I pass as I am walking by.
I do what I need to do for my task or my job but don't really see the hurt or world around me. Even at work although I am physically taking care of people, sometimes I get so caught up in the job at hand or the checklist of things JACHO makes us complete that I am not fully present with my patient or his family.
I have failed as my brother's keeper.

Where do I begin again? How do I reach those 8,000 scared and lonely young women who are questioning abortion? How do I balance respecting my earthly governing bodies (i.e. the hospital requirements, government, bills to pay, etc) but actually be present and care for people the way Jesus did? Maybe I can start making giveaway bags for homeless people I pass like I used to? Maybe I can start intentionally saying a prayer over my patients as I do their head to toe assessment every morning? Maybe as I walk, I can look people in the eye and smile, trying to see them the way Jesus does?

Over the last few years, I have gotten so self-indulgent and caught up in finding my own happiness that I forgot the people around me. Funny thing is that looking back, those snap shots of when I gave up my time and energy to God in service to others were the times that the Lord most blessed me and I most felt Him.

Please Lord lead me in the ways you would have me serve. Please make me open to your leading. Increase my faith. Be my Jehovah Jireh. Open doors, open my heart, open the hearts of those you want me to serve. Help me to see others the way you do. In Jesus name, Amen.

Sanctus Real "Lead Me"

A few weeks ago, I found a Christian radio station based out of Tampa, FL that streams live on Yahoo Web Radio. I have heard most of the songs on there, but one came up today that I have never heard before. As I was doing my online class at work, this song really captivated me. I won't go into analysis of it, but here are the words for you to read yourself.....

Sanctus Real - “Lead Me”

I look around and see my wonderful life
Almost perfect from the outside
In picture frames I see my beautiful wife
Always smiling
But on the inside, I can hear her saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

I see their faces, look in their innocent eyes
They're just children from the outside
I'm working hard, I tell myself they'll be fine
They're independent
But on the inside, I can hear them saying...

“Lead me with strong hands
Stand up when I can't
Don't leave me hungry for love
Chasing dreams, but what about us?

Show me you're willing to fight
That I'm still the love of your life
I know we call this our home
But I still feel alone”

So Father, give me the strength
To be everything I'm called to be
Oh, Father, show me the way
To lead them
Won't You lead me?

To lead them with strong hands
To stand up when they can't
Don't want to leave them hungry for love,
Chasing things that I could give up

I'll show them I'm willing to fight
And give them the best of my life
So we can call this our home
Lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone

Father, lead me, 'cause I can't do this alone.

Places frequented

Sometimes I feel like a total nut case when I read back over past writings or things I have thought. It seems like I am so up and down sometimes.....not in a bipolar sort of way.....just one minute I will feel so secure and firmly rooted in Christ that the day to day troubles are only a pebble, but the next minute, I feel so secluded, so far from Peace that the day to day happenings are a huge mountain in front of me.

I became a "Christian" in the baptismal, ask Jesus into my heart sort of way back when I was in 8th grade in March of 1999. Since then, I have displayed varying shades of dedication to following, and looking back, I think that a lot of those times of less lukewarm devotion were due in part to frequenting places He is. Now, I know that He is all around, in everything, everywhere, there is no where that He can be kept out of. However, by intentionally frequenting places and things that He is and moves, I know that I will feel Him more. In younger days, it was my youth group where I was surrounded by teenagers looking for identity, searching for community, and we found that in each other and Christ. Since then, I have had glimpses of that closeness, whether it be in a loving roommate, my time in Guatemala, my mom, even in my own bedroom when everything else is spinning out of control and He comes in. However, there are many things that have blocked me from fully being engulfed in His presence (Satan is the mastermind of this all). I want to be engulfed in knowing that my life is new and changed and forever claimed.
I want to start new. I want to be where He is. I want to go into work at the hospital and know that as my hands touch my patient, I am the hands of the Great Physician. I want to constantly be thinking of Jesus Christ. I want to know and love Him. I want to cry out to Him not just when I feel a need but with every breath, every thought. I want to radiate His love and grace because it is so much known in my soul that it beams out.
I claim that I am forgiven; grace has been poured out on me and I am that old person no longer.
I claim that He makes all things new and works in all my life's situations.
I claim that He has a plan and takes all my garbage and makes it to His glory.
I claim that He overcomes my anger and fear and frustration.
I claim that He is bigger than everything.
I claim that He dries my tears, holds my hand, and leads me beside still waters.
I claim that He loves me inspite and because of myself.
I claim that Satan has no place here.
I claim that He has and will overcome.

Time goes on but I feel like I'm standing still

I got asked by a former nursing instructor and friend of mine to send out a facebook message to the 2007 class of Lipscomb University Nursing Alumni for a reunion coming up. I didn't really think anything of it....I thought it would fun to hear from everybody. So, I sent out my message today, and as I was adding different names to the list, I realized how much some of their lives have changed. Many have gotten married, moved to different cities, had babies, finished grad school already, some have had illness, some have gotten better, some have traveled the world. It seems like so many of them are moving forward in the typical progression of life and doing it happily without any self-imposed opposition. Some have said that things fall apart so better things can fall together. So, why do I feel like I haven't moved at all- that my feet are stuck in the quick sand of the same struggles, worries, heartaches, and shortcomings without a whole lot falling into place? I keep waiting for that stepping stone to rise out of the sand and illuminate the beginning of a path to follow. But its not happening. So many people tell me to just enjoy being single, and the fact of the matter is that committing to a relationship scares the hell out of me. Why is that? What is it about me that God hasn't torn down my walls of opposition and blessed me with a relationship? Why is it that so many people can be open to life and love and its changes but I am not? Why do I let myself get close enough to the fire to feel the heat but can't let myself be engulfed? Looking at all my friends' lives from nursing school, I see how their lives have moved forward, continue on, but I'm in some kind of time warp where I haven't let myself grow away from the same person I was 3 or more years ago.

Valley

Please Lord hear my cry.
See me down here in this valley.
I am trying to crawl out.
Digging my nails deep in the rock.
I am bruised and bleeding.
I am exhausted Lord.
This valley has run so deep.
This valley has run so long.
I can't see a way out.
Please Lord hear my cry.
Cover me with the shadow of your wing.
Hide me in your cleft.
Please Lord hear my cry.
Please come into this valley with me.
Please save me.
I am exhausted Lord.
I have stumbled and fallen so many times.
Please see me here.
Please carry me out.

End of 2009

Since it's the last day of 2009, I guess I should reminisce about the year to past. What a change from this time last year. For many reasons I am very sad that so much has changed since a year ago, but in the end, everything happens for a reason. Every change, transition, march forward, u-turn, every end, every new beginning happens for a reason. We can't expect that reason to be explained or contained within the confines of a calendar year. All we can do is fill our hearts with His joy and seek to love Him more everyday. Time keeps on turning, life keeps on moving, and in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.

Repeat.

I'm having a great time here in Florida with my family. The drive down was really long.....usually I come with my sisters and mom, so not being able to sleep for a portion of it really showed me how long 9 hours in the car is! But, it was a really good time to sit and think. I even got to talk to an old friend, Haley, which was great.
It is wonderful to be here with my Aunt Mary, Uncle Ken, and cousins Joey, Chrissy, and Amy. It's hard not having a job right now, but I'm trying to just savor this time of a little more freedom to travel and see loved ones.
I'm just trying to get my head on straight. Pray, have faith, pray, have faith. repeat.

l.i.f.e.

Day 7 Devotional Card: Quotes on Life

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it. -unknown author

Life is simple, it's just not easy. -unknown author

Life is what we make of it, always has been, always will be. -Grandma Moses

Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food, and my blood remains in me, and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. -John 6 :53-57

Rambling

I'm pretty sure by this point, no one reads this. I'm kind of glad about it because I've come to find that I am the type of person who processes and expresses herself in written word better than anything else. And I have so much going through my head right now that I just have to write. I can write letter after letter on my desktop, but sometimes you just need the release of actually putting something outside of yourself for someone else to read.
My Aunt Susie calls this time an era of "repositioning" for me. She says that God is repositioning me right now so that years down the road I am not way off course. She described it as an airplane. Pilots plot and calculate their courses in degrees. When you start on your journey, being off by a few degrees doesn't seem like such a big deal, but hundreds of miles through the air, those 2 or 3 degrees can make a continent of difference. But when did I get so off course?
Looking back and through talking to a wise friend, I realize that I have gotten by listening to my 12 year old self for this long, but that self doesn't apply anymore. Due to family issues and self esteem issues, I taught myself to be the best because then things would work out. If I perfected my little world, I wouldn't be affected by my parents fighting or the loneliness from being so shy. I could fill my life with things I was good at and make people around me proud, and then I would be important to myself. I could please people and make people think I was perfect and had everything together, and then I would be good enough myself. But that doesn't work anymore for me. I worked and worked through nursing school to reach this pinnacle of a college degree because then "I could do what I wanted." I got done with college and it made others proud that I had an RN degree. Then I did my contract at Vanderbilt, and I finished it because I have pride and wanted to finish what I started. Then I moved back to Knoxville and realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted to do. I poked and prodded at everything around me, searching for the meaning to my unhappiness. I blamed everything but myself. And the crazy thing was that all the while through all of this, I thought that since I always tried to do the "right" thing, that God was just holding onto some reward for me this whole time. Some great gift waiting for me for being a "martyr" doing all this nursing that I did not enjoy, keeping myself from certain acts, and wanting to be a medical missionary. But that's not how it works. Life is not glamorous or extraordinary everyday. Heck, half the time I don't even feel like getting out of bed because my life, my day feels so empty. But these feelings can only be blamed on myself. I built up life to be this great thing that happens when.....(fill in the blank). When really, life is what's right now. Its not driving through some remote village in Central America everyday. Its not looking over the great abyss of the Grand Cannon everyday. Its getting up and being present with the people around you and loving them and doing things that make you, you. But I nit picked at the person around me. I pushed and built up walls. And now I feel like I'm in a walled up room very alone most of the time. The problem is though, that I will not be satisfied with anyone until I am satisfied with myself. Until I can learn just to be happy and present in this day, with the work the Lord has put in front of me, I cannot be happy with anyone. How did I get this far off course? This desert time feels so dry. Every few days, I get a little more water, I get a little green pasture, and those days are getting closer together, but continuing to walk this road is a constant struggle. I constantly have to push Satan out of my mind- he is so good at whispering lies about self doubt, insufficency, self loathing. I constantly have to strong guard my heart and mind, fill it with the things of Him. Slowly things will get better. But in the meantime, I try to fill my days with things. With work when I can get it, with church, with friends, with hobbies and aspirations. But the worst part is at the end of the day when I lay my head down and then in the morning when I have to will myself to get up and keep trying. But I guess that's all I can do, keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep praying.

Growing up

Since being back from Guatemala, I have had a lot of time to think and wonder and examine. I've been examining my life, the lives of others, decisions I have made, decisions others have made. I've looked at ways my heart has been broken, ways I have broken other peoples' hearts. Although the fog is starting to clear, I don't think I will ever fully understand what and why things have happened because that is not mine to know. I can learn from experiences and grow, but fully understanding why everything happens is not conceivable to my brain. The "what ifs" are too convaluted and the "how comes" are too numerous.

Despite the time I spend looking back and wondering, I keep getting pushed forward, time keeps moving on. Life happens, people get hurt, but joy also happens and people find happiness. And happiness cannot be found in the extraordinary, in the unusual, in that one momentous occassion. Happiness is found in rising out of bed to meet a new day.... In a conversation with an old friend, waving to your neighbor, feeling the breeze and seeing the leaves blow, walking your dog, playing cards with your family, putting a bandaid on a wound, drying someone else's tears.

Happiness is loving the life that the Good Lord places before you but knowing you can be more because of Him. Happiness is living in this moment, being present right here right now, and having faith that everything will turn out okay.

Here are some quotes from people that can say it better than I can:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” -Winston Churchill

Down to the last week

Well I can't believe it. I only have 4 more days here in Chicacao (the village where I have been living). I am going to Guatemala City on Friday night to catch my flight out on Saturday morning. What a bitter sweet thing. I am excited to see my family and friends at home (and get a warm shower and be in air conditioning), but I am also sad to leave my family and friends here. Clinica Ezell is the best work environment I have ever had, and I am sad to leave the other nurses, staff, and doctors. I feel like I really fit in with this crew and played a crucial role (especially when the Surgical teams came through). I think it helped the Guatemalan staff to have me here as a kind of liason between them and the new North American nurses because I could communicate to both and understood how things should flow. I was blessed by the honor of turning into the charge nurse on multiple shifts as many of the North Americans came to me with questions....and they weren't new nurses either, but ones with many more years in nursing than me. It was quite an honor.

We ended up doing 63 surgeries, and I think so far all the patients left with good outcomes. One little boy, Douglas, was in for a circumcision....bad thing to happen to a 9 year old. He was beside himself at first, but we got him calmed down, and I even had time to play some Uno with him and give him some lovely stick on tattoos. The other patient who stood out to me was a sweet grandma who had a hernia fixed. She started crying and blessing me as I helped her sit up and take a tylenol. She was just tearing up saying how caring the nurses and doctors are at the clinic. It was one of those moments where you know that your life and the life of a stranger are intertwined so closely for a brief moment in time that it feels like all other time stands still.

The other Americans all left last Saturday to go home after a fun 24hr in Antigua. (I got a pedicure, went swimming, and picked up a few more souvenirs.) Once I got back to Chicacao, I was so exhausted I took 2 naps on Saturday and Sunday! The family was so sweet when I got back. The dad, Jose, wasn't home when I got in, but he woke me up from my nap just to give me a hug, kiss, and a chocolate cupcake. I got up with the family on Sunday morning at 5:00am to sell bread and ended up making the chocolate cupcakes that the dad always gives me. Then, I carried a big basket of bread on my head with one of the sisters to the tienda to sell. After, I went with them to the market to buy our food for a few days. I really cherish that time with them.

So, today I went on a mobile clinic with Doctor Walter and helped in the lab/pharmacy area. I'm not sure what I will be doing the rest of the week, but I think the families have some little parties planned for me that I'm not supposed to know about. :)

Other crazy stories from Guatemala:
-So a mouse lives in the bookshelf right next to the head of my bed. Just to recap, I have few little geckos who live in my room, the occassional roach who I usually kick out, and a mouse. I kept hearing something when I was sleeping the other night so I turned on my flashlight to find myself nose to nose with a little blonde mouse. She scurried away, and I went back to sleep.....I've learned just to let things go!
-The other happening was that last night, the power went out in all of the village. And when the power goes out in the only little village in the area, it gets dark, really dark. But it was a fun bonding experience as me and all the other squealing sisters tried to find our way home from church over the cobble stone road with the just the light from our cell phones!
A 4yr old boy successfully french kissed me on Sunday too. Now, just to make it clear, this was unwanted on my part! Some random family member was at the house with her son, and he was like a magnet to my face. I kept pushing him away and the kid was like a spider monkey to my face everytime I sat down or layed down. So, I ended up standing up, dodging a 4yr old all day Sunday.

Mooo

Well, we are in day 2 of surgeries for this week, and so far so good! This group is a lot different than the last surgical group that came in, but I guess every group takes on its own personality because of the people that come. I think for the last trip, the majority of the doctors/nurses were middle-aged to twenty year olds, but now I'm pretty sure I am the youngest nurse here. We have 3 teenagers who came with their moms, but other than that there are 4 other 20-somethings out of the 50 people that came and the rest are grandparents. My roommate is a grandma to 5, sweet as can be, and just so nervous about all this new stuff in Guatemala. So very cute. I am thankful she brought her Breathe Right Strips.

The patients are mostly GYN and hernia patients like last time. We did have a thyroid removal last night and will probably have a couple gall-bladder removals too. I have a sweet patient named Lilly who was just enthrawled when I told her that her name is an Easter Flower. I felt so special that she remembered my name.....even if it was when she was yelling for me to tell me she was about to throw up everywhere. Poor thing! She is feeling much better today, and was so proud to tell me that she got up and walked this morning with the morning nurses. I am working mostly the 3p-11p shift again. They had to divide out the spanish speaking nurses, so I'm the one for this shift- what a compliment! Talk about pain, nausea, and needing to pee, and I'm your go to girl, but talk about a whole lot beyond that and I need help! I think that when I get home I'm going to need to buy Rosetta stone or something so that when I come back again I'll get all the rules and vocabulary down that I'm lacking.

Now for some Guatemalan stories? Ok, so on Friday night, we ate these things called like Chervichis. I'm not really spell them. But basically, its like a gumbo made of onions, various sauces, cilantro, tomato, and shrimp. But, the meat can be substituted for other things if you like. Well, at church on Friday night (remember they go to church every night....) we had a special service, more community oriented and had Chervichis afterwards. But.....Mario, one of the my friend here who speaks english, started laughing when he heard what it was made with. So, finally he told me it was made of cow stomach! I'm not even kidding. I ate like 3/4 of it, but then I saw the little boy from my house eating only the stomach out of it, I thought I would be generous and donate my meat to him! It was so weird people. It was like meshy and you could see like the acid pumps as like these tentacle parts.

On Saturday, I got to go to Mazate (the "big" city near my village) for the day via public transport. It was really fun. We went to the mall and ate Pizza Hut. Mmmm. On the way there, we rode in like a 15 passanger bus where we each had our own seat. But....on the way back to Chicacao, we had to pack into what they call the "chicken bus" which is an old american school bus. We had to sit 3 to a seat with the aisle packed too. It was like playing twister in a bus! I am pretty sure I had someone's hand on my butt, my shoulder in someone's back, a foot in my face, and some random child trying to breast feed off me. Ok, I made up the breast feeding part, but that would have made the experience complete. It was a fun ride back....you can't say you have fully experienced Guatemala until you ride the chicken bus.

The other big happening was that I got into an ant pile yesterday. I should have known better. After church, I stepped into the grass to talk to somebody and all of a sudden had an incredible burning pain in my feet. I looked down and was covered! After running like a mad woman (in a skirt) across the grass, it took 3 doctors to help me get the ants off my feet. But, thankfully, I got back and coated my feet in benadryl cream, and I can't even feel the itch anymore. I'm glad it happened to me instead of one of the new comers because I blame myself....I know better than to get in the grass here. Don't drink the water, don't get in the grass, and don't eat cow stomach.

But all is well here. I'm going to go back to my room and rest before lunch so that I'm ready for my shift in a bit. Hope everyone is doing well. Be home in less than 2 weeks now.

Surgical Brigade #2

A real quick update......
We are busy cleaning and preparing the clinic still. The new group gets here on Saturday, so its very close! It is supposively a huge group (and mom said she thinks some people are coming from my home church). I'm not sure yet if I will be staying up at the clinic during the week or with my family in Chicacao, but I will let you all know.
I've been helping Kata clean and sanitize everything. She laughed a little too hard when I told her about how I used to dust (and still do dust) my room at home.....mom can atest to how I just cleaned "around" things and left a carpet of dust showing where things had been placed for the 6 months before. I think she laughed so hard because she doesn't quite approve of my cleaning techniques here at the clinic. Haha, cleaning has never been one of my strengths!

I'm really enjoying the friendships I am making here, and I will be very sad to say goodbye to them. I think I have more close friends in Guatemala now than I do back in Knoxville. But, all in due time. Hope you all are well. Will write more soon when I have more stories to tell.

Spaghetti

Well, Saturday's cooking experience turned out well. The tables were definitely turned for us as usually I am the one with apprehension and confusion over the plate that is placed before me. I ended up making homemade spaghetti sauce, and it was really good....at least I thought so! The sister who is 24, Silvia, wanted to watch me make it, and everything little thing I did, she asked me why or how or for what I did everything...and I had to keep telling her that this is a mystery for me too. It took about 4 hours in total to make because it was over a wood buring grill type area. For their spaghetti sauce, they usually just purie tomatoes to a pulp and strain them so its basically like thin ketchup. But, I like my tomato sauce a little chunky. Silvia was so worried about me not blending the tomatoes all the way, and I had to keep reminding her that its still good, just different than she is used to. But, every last drop got eaten....either because they really liked it or I didn't plan enough for the 12 people that ate. The dad who has been to the states told me it is "Bery Goood." And the grandpa said it was "Utz" which is Quiche for good....and the little boy gave me a big smile and thumbs up as he slurped down his noodles. Funniest part though was that they insisted on making tortillas. I tried so hard to make them a Hitzing family meal, but they just can't get away from eating tortillas with every meal! But I figured out partly why they eat so many tortillas.....it reduces your diarrhea. Now, who is ready for lunch?

Sunday I taught the kids sunday school class with the personal hygiene posters I made. They all listened very well and participated greatly! Silvia helped after I would say something just to make sure they understood what I said, but they were a great class.

This week we are cleaning the operating room, setting up the recovery area, and Wednesday I am in charge of doing the papsmears again. yuck. Can I call in sick?

So I think the family and I have gotten very comfortable with each other......last night the straw broke this camel's back. So, one of the daughters sleeps in the room with me. Her name is Doris, she is 19, and has a very on-again-off-again boyfriend. Last night, she decided to talk on the phone to him for at least an hour in the room while I was trying to go to sleep. First with the light on, so I tried my eye cover...that didn't help. Then with the light off, so I tried my ear plugs....that didn't help. Then I tried to imagine she was just a television show I couldn't understand, but I still couldn't fall asleep. So, as Ali can attest, I finally snapped, and as politely as I could, I asked her if she could not talk to him during the day. At which point she said fine, and proceeded to whisper/mumble for another 30 minutes. This morning things were fine, but I take forgranted the pleasure of sleeping in a room where no one turns on the light or talks on the phone in the middle of the night.

Here is my devotional from yesterday, just thought I would share:

God Knows What He's Doing
"Surely I spoke of things I did not understand; I talked of things too wonderful for me to know." -Job 42:3

It's easy to thank God when he does what we want. But God doesn't always do what we want. Ask Job.
His empire collapsed, he children were killed, and what was a healthy body became a rage of boils. From whence came this torment? From whence will come any help?
Job goes straint to God and pleads his case. His head hurts. His body hurts. His heart hurts.
And God answers. Not with answers but with questions. An ocean of questions.....
After sever dozen questions....Job has gotten the point. What is it?
This point is this: God owes no one anything. No reasons. No explainations. Nothing. If he gave them, we couldn't understand them.
God is God. He knows what he is doing. When you can't trace his hand, trust his heart.

Donations for the Grandparent's Home

I finally got the information for the Grandparent's Home if anyone is interested in donating. The other nurses are taking what we have so far to them this Saturday (which isn't much....a few pounds of rice, beans, sugar, and a little cash), but we will definitely find a way if anyone else wants to donate....ask your church, coworkers, and family if you think of it.

Address: Cabecitas de Algodon #1
Santa Lucia Sur #18
Antigua, Guatemala

For donations, the newspaper says that deposits can be made to the bank, G&T Continental: account number 00 00 144063 Associacion Cabecitas de Algodon.

I'm not really sure how you would make international donations, but I can figure something out if anyone is interested.

The organization started on Dec 16, 2002, and currently has 38 grandparents living there. The newspaper article has pictures and testimonies of many of the residents. One of the residents was dropped off at the shelter by family members and told they would come back for them...3 yrs ago. And others were told that they were burdens to the family since they could no longer work, and they didn't want to care for them anymore. It also shows a picture of the women who run the shelter....and they have not received a paycheck since April because of the financial trouble. There are many ways that people need help here in Guatemala as well as even in your own hometown. And although we can't help every single person, we can make a differnece in at least one life....remember the starfish story?
Any help would be so appreciated.

And also, I have had a few questions about how the school teaching went. Well, in true Guatemalan style.....classes were cancelled this week, and Rosario and I didn't get told until we arrived there in the morning to teach. So no little kids pointing and laughing at me. Oh well! In the meantime, I'm going to teach the lesson at Sunday School this week and use my drawings there. We are going to try to go back to the school in my last week here (in 3 weeks).

That's about all for now. The weekend is here....and that seems to be the hardest part of being here because there is a whole lot more downtime to just sit and think. I'm going to try to stay busy this weekend- I told the family I would make them spaghetti (good old Hitzing style) for lunch/dinner on Saturday, so I will get to have some fun exploring the huge open air supermarket (with supervision of course......). The markets are fun- a little overwhelming because its tons of people smooshed in a little block with raw meat hanging from hooks everywhere, but still fun to see.

And great news...the lights didn't get turned on in the middle of the night lastnight. I was all prepared with my Paris Hilton eye cover and industrial strength earplugs in place, but I didn't even need them! And apparently, the general consensus is that Chinese men also blatantly pick their noses in public.

Picking your nose and turning on the light

Ok, I have to start by venting....because there is no one here right now not of the hispanic culture to vent to.
So, when you go to a different country, or even on a trip to a different part of the U.S., you go with the anticipation of there being cultural differences. You know that there will be cultural differences, and that is part of the adventure. You decide to accept these differences as part of the learning to broaden your world perspective.
That being said, I would like to vent about two culturally/socially excepted norms here in Guatemala that I will not accept and ademently oppose.

1. So, I will be in mid conversation with someone...at times a serious or important conversation, and here in Guatemala it is as acceptable to casually dig in your nose as it would be to scratch your forehead in the States. And, after that, it is not gross or wrong to proceed to wipe your finger on your pants or on the wall (whatever is more convenient), and seek a hand shake or cheek kiss upon leaving the conversation. In what world is this okay???? Well, now that I think of it, it is probably ok in the same world in which I had to use a toilet without a door on the bathroom......the bathroom was off of a hall where a large family party was gathered.

2. Ok, and now to vent about the thing that is just wrong! Why is it ok to go into a room where someone is sleeping (i.e. ME) and flip on the light switch to find something (the sisters clothes are all in the room where I sleep).....regardless of what time it is- midnight, 4:30am (when the rest of the family wakes to sell bread). I have conceeded to the fact that I will not sleep past 6am, but really people.....flip on the light in a room where people are sleeping in the middle of the night!? How is that ok!? Venting session over, I think.

I wish I had my devotional book here with me to copy the other day´s lesson. In a nut shell (and much more eloquently) it talked about faith and fear. Strong faith is born out of the seed of fear. We look up to God on the mountain and realize we are in the valley, and we cannot make the climb on our own. We stand with Moses and the Israelites in front of the Red Sea...we can either fight or swim. But God has a different plan in mind, a different way through, and when we trust in Him, our fear grows to faith.

Count down 22 days until I will be back on American soil. I am excited about it! But, I´m trying to remain present in the here and now. Only in today......I want to be done with making self imposed time frames for my life.

All for now. Hope you all are well. Miss you all the time.

3 weeks 4 days to go

Welp, not a whole lot of news to catch people up on at the clinic. We are back to preparing again for the next surgical group that comes in 2 weeks, so I am making a gazillion more packets of surgical towels to be sterilized for the operating rooms. This week, Rosario and I will be going to the local school for 2 days for the educational days about personal hygiene and such. I am supposed talk for 30 minutes for each class in spanish, and I'm really nervous about that. Adults and friends are really nice to me when I try to talk spanish, but little kids just giggle and make fun of me, so I'm nervous to get it right in front of the classes.

I think more stuff is happening back home than in Guatemala right now. It makes me so anxious and sad when bad things happen at home while I'm away, and I can't do anything to help it. The heaviest thing on my heart right now is that a close family friend found out that her husband has been seeing someone else, and the worst part is that they have little children. Infidelity, in my opinion, is the worst wound a relationship, family, and marriage can ever receive. It affects everything in a relationship from trust to friendship to self confidence, every move you make you have the pain of jealousy, fear, and doubt even if you aren't with that person anymore. And the risk of infidelity makes me so afraid. It can happen in any relationship. Its a scary thing to commit your heart to someone like that especially with the risk of the other person not sticking to that commitment.

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Now a big change in direction. The ladies at the clinic are having a fundraiser this week, and we are supposed to contact our home churches to solicit help. In Antigua, another little city (where I went 2 wkends ago), there is a shelter for the elderly. Most of the time, the elderly and grandparents live with their children when they get too old to work, but at least 38 elderly people in Antigua have no family or resources to provide for themselves so they are at this home. The home has employees that help feed, clothe, and medically care for the inhabitants, but the resources to support the elderly and pay the employees has run out as of Sept. 30th this year. If they don't have money to stay open by Sept. 30th, the 38 elderly will be homeless when most of them cannot take care of themselves even in the best situations. They need about 250,000 Quetzales to stay open (I'm not sure for how long), which equates to about $30,000. If anyone would like to give support ($5-$20, whatever), you can let me know on here and I can withdrawal it from my debit account and get you to pay me back when I return. I will have the exact name and address of the organization tomorrow if anybody needs it for tax/authenticity purposes.

Hope you all are doing well. Please pray for my friend and her family this week, and also, please pray for my extended family as my Great Aunt Mabel and Great Uncle Bob both passed away this week. Lots of things are probably going on in your life too that can weaken our faith, but we can rest in Him...in good times and bad. Its a choice we can make.

4 weeks to go

I've gotten really lazy about writing blogs....its such a hastle to get on the internet or get calling cards here that some days I just feel too lazy to make the effort...especially now that I need a bodyguard to do anything. The dad has become really protective. I showed him the safety whistle my real dad gave me, but I still have constant supervision. I feel like a nuisance asking one the family members to go with me to the internet cafe where they sit for like an hour as I catch up on email, facebook, and the blog. But, there is a little down time at the clinic today, and I will take advantage of that! So, now I have a lot to catch people up on........

The Independence Day celebrations ended up being pretty fun. The best way to describe it would be a cheap, hispanic, smaller version of Boom's Day in Knoxville. Silvia, one of the sisters at the house, was made Queen of the Teachers at the school where she teaches so she had to participate and stand at the front of every parade (there were 4). She asked me to help her pick out her outfit for each day, and let me tell you, these sisters I live with have more dress up clothes than I have ever had in my life.....thats not saying much though if you know how much I actually dress up. They enjoy dressing me up, and they got a kick out of it when I put on on of the mom's traditional mayan skirts.

I have taken to wearing skirts more than shorts because it helps in making me not feel like a boy....I never really get clean or freshened up here. You shower then 5 minutes later the sweat starts flowing again. The funny thing is that for some reason, the dad has accidently started calling me "Patti" instead of "Kati, and I think its a fruedian slip in reference to SNL's "It's Pat." You know, the skit where you never find out if Pat is a man or a woman. Thats what I feel like here. Ok, back to the story.

A few nights we went to the "central park" where they had the carnival rides and music over the loud speaker. I talked the youngest daughter, Betty, into riding the ferris wheel with me, and what a bad idea that was! It went at like 60mph....way faster than our ferris wheels, and I seriously almost barfed on everyone below me like 5 times. After several attempts at asking the driver to let me out in spanish as we zoomed by, he finally let me off, at which time I downed the dramamine I strategically keep in my purse. The family thought it was hilarious and kept asking me how I was feeling. I was a good sport about it and didn't allow myself to tell them that I was about to barf on the next one that asked me!

The next night in the square, there was a salsa band, and we all had fun watching that. I always feel like I have a swarm of body guards around me when we go out. One of the local boys tried to get me to dance with him (he was all of 4ft tall), but one of the sisters, Johana, zoomed in faster to get him away than I could say 'no gracias.'

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Had to take a quick break to remove some sutures. Today is the post op check up day from the last surgical week and I am working the "wound cleaning, suture removal room." Nurses do very different things here in Guatemala. I asked my supervising nurse for help because I have never removed sutures before. One request to doctors out there....use thread that has color. Transparent sutures are way too hard to see.

Just took out some more sutures. This time they were black. Thank you doctor.
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This week, I have gotten to go on the mobile clinics with the local doctors. Wednesday I went with Dr. David to a little clinic close to here and saw about 30 patients. One patient was a member of the local church we work through here. She is a very poorly controlled diabetic, and when we checked her, her blood glucose was 249. She has an accucheck machine that an american doctor gave her, but she doesn't have any test strips or lancets. It doesn't help that the instructions are in english either. So, I'm working on translating some simple instructions for her and getting some supplies from the clinic here....some kind of feasible plan for her.

Thursday, I went with Dr. Walter to Xepujup, a remote Mayan/Quiche village where most the people speak a whole different language than spanish, Quiche,....sounds like a lot of gurgling and clicking to me. We also had about 30 patients, and the one that stood out to me most was a little 3 1/2 yr old girl, Micaela, who weighed 15lbs. She can't talk or walk, but other than that, she developmentally looks like a 1 1/2 yr old. As I was taking her temperature under her arm, her skin just folded on itself because she was so malnourished. She is a frequent patient of Dr. Walter, and although they have tried supplements, she keeps presenting with malnutrition and respiratory symptoms. I asked him what he thought about cystic fibrosis, and he didn't know what it was, but is going to look it up. Even if Cystic Fibrosis exists in the hispanic population, I doubt that it would be diagnosed or treated because of the economic situation of most people. If you don't know what CF is...in a nut shell, it is a excess of mucous like substances in your lungs and pancreas so that your body cannot adequately clear your lungs or digest food, causing frequent respiratory infections and malabsorption even in people who are well treated in the U.S. The average life expectancy is somewhere around 30-40ish when agressively treated I think. Its so sad for this little girl, whatever the cause of her illness, but it is also overwhelming about the circumstances most of these people live in because this little girl is just one example of the poverty here. Little by little, the masses are being helped by educational programs and sponsorship for the children (ABC program which provides support for nutrition and education), but over all, there is little that can be done to help every single person. The team here is doing a great job, doing the best they can. But I imagine it would be centuries before most of the people even reached the living standards of the poor/innercity of the U.S.

But, from the example of the diabetic with the accucheck that she doesn't know how to work, it does no good for Americans to give "things" and tools when the people have no idea how to use them. You can build a family a house with ammenities like electricity and running water, but if they can't afford to pay the monthly bill, have you really done them any service? They will just have to sell the house and try to find somewhere else to live I really admire the ongoing work of the actual Guatemalans here. They are the ones who are with the patients and villages day in and day out. They understand the locals way more than an outsider ever could, and imagine how blessed we are when we can support these missonaries by providing financially for the work they do because we are working in the U.S.

Ok, getting off my soap box now. But, I am just realizing more everyday the impact that the natives of a country can have amongst their own people when they are gifted with the education and finances that most of us have as a matter of birth right. The weekly surgical and medical trips that the Americans bring are amazing and do so much to show the love of Christ that stretches across languages and oceans, but the work of the doctors who live and sleep and breath here is what makes the life long, economic, spiritual, social, and physical differences.

Alright, thats all for now. Miss you all very much. I am enjoying the work here and am very blessed to see the work of Christ in the lives of others and in my heart. Praying for you constantly. Miss you very much.

Independence day

Well, I am back in Chicacao at the clinic, and boy did I get spoiled in Antigua. We had a fun day of shopping and site seeing in Antigua on Friday, and I rode back Saturday with Danny, one of the workers, after we dropped the surgical team off at the airport. I bought way too much souvenir stuff in Antigua, but I figured I might as well because I am not sure if I will be staying through the next surgical group. But it was a really fun time and the hotel was so nice. Each room had 2 plush queen size beds, a fireplace (even though it was way too hot to use), an amazingly hot and powerful shower, and a pool (I forgot my bathing suit :(.) I really enjoyed the time I had to spend with the group, just talking about things and hearing the wiser ladies' perspective on life and things. And they all emptied their chocolate and goodies stash for me! One of the guys, Walt, left me the best tasting twizzlers I have ever eaten! But I think it has to do with that whole thing like when you are outdoors or camping and the food just tastes so amazing because you are so hungry!

My ride back to Chicacao with Danny was great too. He is a 25yr old originally from Nicaragua, and I think he works at Health Talents mostly because he is fluent in English and his wife is a nurse here too (Darling is her name). Danny is always just a crack up and jokester, so I felt really blessed when we were able to have a heart to heart talk on the ride back, just both sharing about one another's lives. He said he grew up in a children's home from 5-12yrs after his father died and his mother couldn't afford to raise him. Then he told me about how he and Darling came to be married. For me, sometimes it's just so easy to see the end result, the smiles and babies that come from a marriage and life, and forget that every person and relationship has a story full of bumps and bruises, ups and downs, some more painful than others.

So, back in Chicacao, Independence day celebrations are in full swing. They are having 4 days worth of parades all the way from this past Saturday to this coming Tuesday (the actual Independence Day). The parades all end right in front of my house at the soccer stadium, so the family has set up a little drink stand to make some extra money while watching the parades. Today the parade is for the local school children, and each school has a different theme. I had to come into work, so I showed one of the daughters how to use my camera because 2 of the kids are still in school. The central park area has more sketch carnival games set up, and I think the family has intentions to ride the ferris wheel.......is there any bubble wrap I can wrap myself in?

Some of the people from the last surgical group said they were going to put pictures up on facebook, so you should be able to see some soon from my facebook page once I get tagged. Just a warning, don't be alarmed if I look smaller.....I will gain my weight back when I get home! I don't know if I'm skinnier because of losing real weight or water weight, but thank goodness for draw string pants.

Its been hard to get to the computer or phone this last week, so sorry mom and dad. This week should be easier to communicate. And just so you know, even if I don't call or write you does not mean I am not thinking of and missing you. I'm still not sure whether I'm going to come home early or not. My flight home is still set for Oct. 17th, and I'm just going to take it a week at a time. 4 weeks behind me with about 5 weeks to go....its a little daughnting, so I'm just taking it a week at a time.

Hopefully going to the bank then internet cafe after work today if the workers/family lets me venture out. Hope you all are doing well. Love, Katie

Winding down

The surgical week is winding down...I think last night was the last big night and today we are sending everyone home. I get to go with the group to Antigua (a little more tourist type city here) to do some sightseeing on Friday and Saturday, so I'm excited about that!

The week went really well without any major complications. We did have a little old 75 yr old lady have an asthma attack last night. The reporting of past medical history doesn't really exist here, so none of us knew she had a past medical hx of asthma. After the Guatemalan staff helped her take a shower, I looked over at her and she was sitting in tripod position and coughing a lot. After listening to her and putting a pulse ox probe on her, she was 83% (normal >93%) on room air and wheezing terribly. We had to put her on 4L nasal canula O2 to get her sats >90% before I went and got the doctors for an albuterol treatment. But, she is much better this morning....just a little snag last night....very late last night! The 3-11 shift has turned into the 1-12p shift these last few days! But in all I think we did at least 120 surgeries because there were 3 teams of surgeons and I know one alone said they did 69 surgeries.

I hung out in the men's ward last night taking care of them. They were all so funny. I think there were about 10 of them I was taking care of, and it took me 2 hours to make my rounds on vital signs and pain meds because they all wanted me to stop and talk for an hour! One little old man told me that I was sweet like sugar as he was getting discharged this morning.....I couldn't help but laugh because he also had on his glasses that magnified his eyes like 10x as he was telling me.

Oh, but the main reason I am writing on here is to let you guys know that I can't access my email. One web page after another keeps getting inaccessible to me! First facebook now yahoo. Its taking like 30min to load my email, so sorry to mom, dad, whoever else may have written me this week. I can't get it. Maybe next week I will ask one of the sisters to walk me to the internet cafe. There may be a way to call/email in Antigua so I will take the time if I see it. But everything is fine here, nice and safe with the group. Love you all and talk to you soon.