Ouch

So, I'm realizing more and more everyday how wrong I am about everything. I need these people and to be here way more than they need me. I've tried so hard to be perfect my whole life as well as in all of my strivings that I have allowed myself to be crippled in fear. Fear of the wrong choice. Fear of failure. Fear of success even. Fear of my losing control. Funny thing is I never had control to begin with. I only thought I did. So now, nearly everything is out of my control. I have no control over driving myself to/from anywhere, no control over what I eat (unless I want to be really rude to my host family), no control over when/if I want to check facebook :), no control over when/if I talk to people back home, no control over when/if the shower is going to work....no control over any of the things I strived so hard at to keep my finger on so that I wouldn't realize just how much I am lacking in myself. But I am lacking, and that is why I am so thankful that I have a Savior who is not.
Just this morning, I was eating breakfast with one of the host sisters (spaghetti with ketchup sauce and refried black beans) and she asked me how I slept. I tried so hard to explain to her I didn't sleep well, not for bad accomodations, but because my worrying kept me awake. Try explaining to a 15yr old in a little village in Guatemala what there is that I have to worry about. Nothing. I am learning by such an example as my host family what it means just to get up each day and live. Live in faith, in love, and in hope.
My host family is very sweet. Its a family of 7 children (6 girls and one little boy). 2 of the girls have moved out and gotten married, but the oldest in the house is 24yrs old like me. And guess what she does.....well, besides helping out selling and making bread, she is a nurse and a school teacher. Everyday at 4:30am, the entire family (and me grudgingly :) gets up and they take their bread to all the little stores in the village to sell. Then, after breakfast, one by one they each go to their different activities, whether school for the younger ones or other jobs for the eldest. And they just love each other. And they walk in faith knowing that God is in control. They are thankful that they have their father still who just underwent a kidney transplant, donated from one of his daughters. Just thankful. I want to live that way. I want to know that kind of faith and love. Hopefully one day I will, and for now I am trying to grow little by little.
Today is my first day at the clinic, and I'm on lunch break. (bologna sandwich with ketchup and american cheese! haha!) The clinic ladies are so sweet, and my supervising nurse is awesome (Rosario, all of 4ft tall) I felt like a giant among them in the prayer circle this morning. Today I am making 100 charts for the surgical patients that will be here in the first week of September for a team of surgeons from home. So my question is, does that make me one of the Guatemalan nurses or American? Hmmm. Will write more soon. So thankful for everyone and praying for your safety and hearts.