End of 2009

Since it's the last day of 2009, I guess I should reminisce about the year to past. What a change from this time last year. For many reasons I am very sad that so much has changed since a year ago, but in the end, everything happens for a reason. Every change, transition, march forward, u-turn, every end, every new beginning happens for a reason. We can't expect that reason to be explained or contained within the confines of a calendar year. All we can do is fill our hearts with His joy and seek to love Him more everyday. Time keeps on turning, life keeps on moving, and in all things God works for the good of those who love Him.

Repeat.

I'm having a great time here in Florida with my family. The drive down was really long.....usually I come with my sisters and mom, so not being able to sleep for a portion of it really showed me how long 9 hours in the car is! But, it was a really good time to sit and think. I even got to talk to an old friend, Haley, which was great.
It is wonderful to be here with my Aunt Mary, Uncle Ken, and cousins Joey, Chrissy, and Amy. It's hard not having a job right now, but I'm trying to just savor this time of a little more freedom to travel and see loved ones.
I'm just trying to get my head on straight. Pray, have faith, pray, have faith. repeat.

l.i.f.e.

Day 7 Devotional Card: Quotes on Life

Life is too short to wake up with regrets. So love the people who treat you right. Forget about those who don't. Believe everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it. -unknown author

Life is simple, it's just not easy. -unknown author

Life is what we make of it, always has been, always will be. -Grandma Moses

Whoever eats my flesh and drinks my blood has eternal life, and I will raise him up at the last day. For my flesh is real food, and my blood remains in me, and I in him. Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. -John 6 :53-57

Rambling

I'm pretty sure by this point, no one reads this. I'm kind of glad about it because I've come to find that I am the type of person who processes and expresses herself in written word better than anything else. And I have so much going through my head right now that I just have to write. I can write letter after letter on my desktop, but sometimes you just need the release of actually putting something outside of yourself for someone else to read.
My Aunt Susie calls this time an era of "repositioning" for me. She says that God is repositioning me right now so that years down the road I am not way off course. She described it as an airplane. Pilots plot and calculate their courses in degrees. When you start on your journey, being off by a few degrees doesn't seem like such a big deal, but hundreds of miles through the air, those 2 or 3 degrees can make a continent of difference. But when did I get so off course?
Looking back and through talking to a wise friend, I realize that I have gotten by listening to my 12 year old self for this long, but that self doesn't apply anymore. Due to family issues and self esteem issues, I taught myself to be the best because then things would work out. If I perfected my little world, I wouldn't be affected by my parents fighting or the loneliness from being so shy. I could fill my life with things I was good at and make people around me proud, and then I would be important to myself. I could please people and make people think I was perfect and had everything together, and then I would be good enough myself. But that doesn't work anymore for me. I worked and worked through nursing school to reach this pinnacle of a college degree because then "I could do what I wanted." I got done with college and it made others proud that I had an RN degree. Then I did my contract at Vanderbilt, and I finished it because I have pride and wanted to finish what I started. Then I moved back to Knoxville and realized I had no earthly idea what I wanted to do. I poked and prodded at everything around me, searching for the meaning to my unhappiness. I blamed everything but myself. And the crazy thing was that all the while through all of this, I thought that since I always tried to do the "right" thing, that God was just holding onto some reward for me this whole time. Some great gift waiting for me for being a "martyr" doing all this nursing that I did not enjoy, keeping myself from certain acts, and wanting to be a medical missionary. But that's not how it works. Life is not glamorous or extraordinary everyday. Heck, half the time I don't even feel like getting out of bed because my life, my day feels so empty. But these feelings can only be blamed on myself. I built up life to be this great thing that happens when.....(fill in the blank). When really, life is what's right now. Its not driving through some remote village in Central America everyday. Its not looking over the great abyss of the Grand Cannon everyday. Its getting up and being present with the people around you and loving them and doing things that make you, you. But I nit picked at the person around me. I pushed and built up walls. And now I feel like I'm in a walled up room very alone most of the time. The problem is though, that I will not be satisfied with anyone until I am satisfied with myself. Until I can learn just to be happy and present in this day, with the work the Lord has put in front of me, I cannot be happy with anyone. How did I get this far off course? This desert time feels so dry. Every few days, I get a little more water, I get a little green pasture, and those days are getting closer together, but continuing to walk this road is a constant struggle. I constantly have to push Satan out of my mind- he is so good at whispering lies about self doubt, insufficency, self loathing. I constantly have to strong guard my heart and mind, fill it with the things of Him. Slowly things will get better. But in the meantime, I try to fill my days with things. With work when I can get it, with church, with friends, with hobbies and aspirations. But the worst part is at the end of the day when I lay my head down and then in the morning when I have to will myself to get up and keep trying. But I guess that's all I can do, keep trying. Keep hoping. Keep praying.

Growing up

Since being back from Guatemala, I have had a lot of time to think and wonder and examine. I've been examining my life, the lives of others, decisions I have made, decisions others have made. I've looked at ways my heart has been broken, ways I have broken other peoples' hearts. Although the fog is starting to clear, I don't think I will ever fully understand what and why things have happened because that is not mine to know. I can learn from experiences and grow, but fully understanding why everything happens is not conceivable to my brain. The "what ifs" are too convaluted and the "how comes" are too numerous.

Despite the time I spend looking back and wondering, I keep getting pushed forward, time keeps moving on. Life happens, people get hurt, but joy also happens and people find happiness. And happiness cannot be found in the extraordinary, in the unusual, in that one momentous occassion. Happiness is found in rising out of bed to meet a new day.... In a conversation with an old friend, waving to your neighbor, feeling the breeze and seeing the leaves blow, walking your dog, playing cards with your family, putting a bandaid on a wound, drying someone else's tears.

Happiness is loving the life that the Good Lord places before you but knowing you can be more because of Him. Happiness is living in this moment, being present right here right now, and having faith that everything will turn out okay.

Here are some quotes from people that can say it better than I can:

"Love is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake and then subsides. And when it subsides you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. Your mother and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found that we were one tree and not two."
-St. Augustine

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” -Winston Churchill