Jehovah Jireh

-A local organization in town has posted billboards and signs throughout east Knoxville calling pastors and leaders in the community to do something about the 8,000 abortions that happen yearly in Knoxville.

-This last week, the local Christian radio station has repeatedly posed the question: "Have you done something of value today?"

-A wife thanked me for taking care of her husband in the trauma unit the last few days and with tears down her cheeks she clung to me and asked me to say a prayer for him.

-The 6th chapter of Hemphill's "The Names of God" talked about God as provider, Jehovah Jireh. Through the story of Abraham faithfully following God's request to sacrifice Isaac, the chapter makes me question what am I holding onto that is keeping me from Him and His blessings?
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Many things lately have begun to paint a picture for me. A picture of my heart that I am not too fond of. A picture of my selfishness. A picture of my laziness. Being a nurse, its easy for me to help people and do things for them during my 12 hour shifts, but I have gotten into the false mindset that when I am outside the hospital doors, that is when the "me" time begins.

I have failed as my brother's keeper.

As I was reading "The Names of God" tonight, I realized that the thing I am not faithfully sacrificing to God is my Happiness and my Time. I don't trust God to fill my day and time with relaxation, fullfillment, memories, and beauty, so I keep it to myself ensuring I receive my allotted outside time, reading time, resting time, SLEEP time, time with friends, etc. But at the end of it, regardless of the 'sanctifying' actions envolved, I am still left empty because I kept it as my time.

A new friend from church invited me to do a service project today, but I told her no basically because I wanted to be lazy and selfish and keep my Saturday for myself.
I don't look at the homeless man on the exit ramp anymore.
I rarely ask my mom or sister what's wrong when I can tell they are upset.
I don't smile and actually see the person I pass as I am walking by.
I do what I need to do for my task or my job but don't really see the hurt or world around me. Even at work although I am physically taking care of people, sometimes I get so caught up in the job at hand or the checklist of things JACHO makes us complete that I am not fully present with my patient or his family.
I have failed as my brother's keeper.

Where do I begin again? How do I reach those 8,000 scared and lonely young women who are questioning abortion? How do I balance respecting my earthly governing bodies (i.e. the hospital requirements, government, bills to pay, etc) but actually be present and care for people the way Jesus did? Maybe I can start making giveaway bags for homeless people I pass like I used to? Maybe I can start intentionally saying a prayer over my patients as I do their head to toe assessment every morning? Maybe as I walk, I can look people in the eye and smile, trying to see them the way Jesus does?

Over the last few years, I have gotten so self-indulgent and caught up in finding my own happiness that I forgot the people around me. Funny thing is that looking back, those snap shots of when I gave up my time and energy to God in service to others were the times that the Lord most blessed me and I most felt Him.

Please Lord lead me in the ways you would have me serve. Please make me open to your leading. Increase my faith. Be my Jehovah Jireh. Open doors, open my heart, open the hearts of those you want me to serve. Help me to see others the way you do. In Jesus name, Amen.